I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
