she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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