Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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