At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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