All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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