Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
