Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
They have beer where we have blood.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
