i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
