broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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