I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
