Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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