Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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