Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just puked most of my soul out..
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
