It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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