I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Randomize
