I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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