i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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