I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
