So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
