Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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