I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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