Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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