Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize