when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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