Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i think i have two assholes
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
This is my gift to your gina
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
