i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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