Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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