Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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