What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
