peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just want to make out with him forever
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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