pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
