Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
