I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
