I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
