My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
