the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
