He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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