remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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