Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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