I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
