ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
