So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
