I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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