I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize