Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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