guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
