If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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