Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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