girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
