I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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