My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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