Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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