Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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