come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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