Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
