If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
