I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
