apparently the secret to your success is patron
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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