I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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