I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
