Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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