I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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