My entire life is one complicated drinking game
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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