I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
