its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
