there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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